FOrEvER.....

It has been forever since I posted to this blog!!!  I guess I had nothing to say or was just to busy to say it???  Whatever the case may be...  I am posting today!!  Today I am just S-A-D... about myself and the condition I have allowed myself to get into!!!  I need to lose weight...AGAIN!  What else it new??? 
I have needed to lose weight every since I had my first child and even when I was OK and should have revealed in being OK...  I didn't!!  Then I actually lost weight and even then I wasn't proud of myself...  I never gave myself an ATTA GIRL...  I just hung my head, in shame that I needed to lose SO much weight in the first place!!  So now it comes again...  I need to lose weight!!  Maybe not as much as I needed to 6 or 7 years ago, but IT feels like I need to lose that much weight again...  I am wondering where the motivation came for me then, to get on a strict diet, stay on it...  NO CHEATING, EVER!!  For 10 months and lose 85 pounds... and where is the woman that did that?  Why can't I find her?  Where is the woman who just 2 years ago was walking 2 Miles everyday and also doing yoga for 20 mins in the morning?  WHERE HAS SHE GONE!!!  I am so disgusted with myself and I am afraid that I am never going to get that back again???  WHY oh Why is it so hard for me to just DO IT??!!  Where will I find motivation to save myself and become happy and healthy again...  To stop indulging the monster within me that rages and is never satisified, both with food or with herself?  This has to stop and I have to be the one in control of myself and the raging monster within!!! 
IT is time to change my habits and to become that woman again that cares about herself and that is control of her eating habits and exercise habits.  The woman that I have been in the past and will be once again...